When is it quitting, and when is it leaving?
I was recently working with a coaching client who was unsure whether they were doing the right thing by staying in a graduate program for another year and a half to finish their degree.
This is often a very case-by-case decision, but I’ve learned through my own experiences that there’s an important difference between quitting and leaving.
Quitting: Giving up on something that is still important to us, often because completing it is difficult or uncomfortable.
Leaving: Making a decision to move on from something that isn’t working for us, toward something that has greater promise or is better aligned with our values, needs, and the life we want.
Of course, the distinction isn’t always that simple. Sometimes the same decision can involve both.
When I was 24, I was almost two years into a six-year PhD program when I realized I was on the wrong path and needed to make a change.
I had completed enough coursework to earn a master’s degree if I could finish my thesis, but I was eager to move on to something else. Even after deciding to leave the PhD program, it took me another year to finish my thesis and earn the degree.
And I really wanted to quit.
I knew I wasn’t going to use the degree professionally in the business career I wanted to pursue. I didn’t particularly enjoy the work, and I wanted to spend my time figuring out what I was going to do next.
BUT—I also knew myself well enough to recognize that I was going to regret walking away from two years of graduate school with nothing to show for it.
I had done 95% of the work. I just needed to get across the finish line.
For me, the distinction became clear:
Leaving the PhD program was me choosing a better future for myself. Not finishing my master’s degree would have been giving up on something that still mattered to me.
That doesn’t mean everyone in my situation should have made the same decision. Finishing the master’s was important to me. It wasn’t simply about the time I’d already invested or what other people might think.
It was about knowing that I wanted to finish what I’d started, even if I no longer wanted the future I’d originally been working toward.
I relied heavily on several friends to keep me accountable to my commitment to finish the degree, and I’m incredibly grateful that I did.
Even though I’ve never officially used the degree in my career, I gained pride in myself for my resilience. The skills I learned while completing my thesis were also directly transferable to the market research work I’ve done since.
And I’m equally glad that I trusted myself enough to leave the PhD program rather than continuing down a path that wasn’t right for me.
Both decisions were important.
I think we sometimes put too much value on perseverance without asking whether what we’re persevering toward is actually something we want.
There’s nothing inherently admirable about staying in a situation that’s making us miserable simply because we’ve already invested time in it. But there’s also something to be said for following through on commitments that matter to us, even when they’re difficult.
Knowing the difference takes self-kindness, self-respect, and a willingness to be honest with ourselves about why we’re making a decision.
How do you know whether you’re quitting or leaving?
Here are a few questions I think are worth asking yourself:
- Is anyone relying on me to finish what I started?
- Will finishing help me build the future I want?
- Am I doing this because it’s important to me, or because of what I believe others expect of me?
- Am I making this decision because I want something different, or because I’m afraid of something? And is that fear telling me something important?
- Would I feel more regret for leaving or for staying?
Ultimately, I don’t think the goal should be to never quit anything.
The goal is to make decisions that are right for the life we want to live, rather than the life we think we’re supposed to live.
Facing a difficult career decision and unsure whether it’s time to make a change? I’d be happy to talk through what you’re considering and help you figure out what feels right for you.
